EPISTLES

On January 12, 2026, President Donald Trump held a private summit with Archbishop Paul Coakley, the head of the USCCB, to discuss ‘matters of mutual concern.’ This is a look at what definitely, absolutely, 100% DID NOT HAPPEN inside that room.

In the Oval Office, President Trump leaned back, gesturing expansively with a silver-canned Diet Coke. Archbishop Paul Coakley sat stiffly in a historic chair, looking like a man who wasn’t sure if he was being recruited for a crusade or a corporate takeover.

TRUMP: Archbishop, it’s great to have you here. Really great. Everybody’s saying it. You look good—very holy, very spiritual. Tremendous holiness. Anyway, I’m looking at the Church, the Catholic Church, and I’m thinking of bringing the whole family in. Melania, Don Jr., Barron—he’s very tall, he’d be a great altar boy, the tallest altar boy in history, probably.

ARCHBISHOP COAKLEY: (Nods cautiously) Well, Mr. President, the Church is always open to—

TRUMP: It’s about the doctrines, Bishop. I love the doctrines. Very strong. You look at the history, you look at Peter—the first Pope. A tough guy. A builder! He built the Rock. I like rocks, I like stones, I like marble. And Fulton Sheen? Incredible. A total pro. He had the ratings, Bishop! Huge ratings on the television. And John Paul II, a very strong Pole. We love the Poles, don’t we? Mother Teresa—tiny woman, but a killer for the poor. Just a total winner. And of course, Gandhi. Mahatma Gandhi. A very special guy, very thin, but very smart. We love Gandhi, don’t we?

ARCHBISHOP COAKLEY: (Blinking) Well, Gandhi wasn’t exactly a Catholic figure, but—

TRUMP: Bishop, it’s a beautiful thing, the conversion. We’re going to have the biggest baptism you’ve ever seen. Maybe in the ocean? A lot of water. Very clean. But let’s talk about the business side, because I’m a businessman, and I see what’s happening at the border. You guys are very active. You love the “newcomers.” You want the borders open, wide open, like a screen door in a hurricane.

ARCHBISHOP COAKLEY: (Smiling) We prefer to call it “radical hospitality,” Mr. President. It’s about the spirit of the Gospel. And of course, the funding helps us carry out that work…

TRUMP: (Cutting him off) Right, the money. I looked into the USAID. I said, “Where’s the money for the Bishops?” And you know what they told me? They said, “Sir, there is no money.” I cut it. Hahaha. All of it. Gone. Like a miracle, it just disappeared. We’re using it for the wall now. It’s going to be a very holy wall. Maybe we’ll put some statues on it.

ARCHBISHOP COAKLEY: (His smile vanishes) You… you’ll continue to cut the funding? But how are we supposed to facilitate the—

TRUMP: Don’t worry about it! I have a better idea. A fantastic idea. You need money? You go to the Germans. The German Church. They’re loaded, Bishop! They have the “Church Tax.” It’s a racket—a beautiful racket, actually, I wish I thought of it. They’re the richest in the world. Billions and billions of Euros.

ARCHBISHOP COAKLEY: The German Church has its own priorities, Mr. President. We can’t just—

TRUMP: Oh, they’ll give it to you. They have to! Why do you think the Pope never says anything bad about the German Synodal Church? He can’t! If he criticizes them, they close the checkbook. It’s “Pay to Play,” Bishop. Very simple. The Germans pay the bills, so they get to make the rules. It’s a total “German First” policy in the Vatican.

ARCHBISHOP COAKLEY: (Rubbing his temples) That is a very… unique interpretation of ecclesial geopolitics.

TRUMP: It’s the truth! Everyone knows it. So here’s the deal: Since you love the illegal immigrants so much, and the Germans have all the cash, we’re going to send the immigrants to the Vatican.

ARCHBISHOP COAKLEY: (Stunned) To the Vatican? I beg your pardon?

TRUMP: Yes! Every one of them. We’ll put them on beautiful planes—Trump Force One, maybe, if the price is right—and fly them straight to Rome. The Pope can house them in those big apartments. And the Germans? The Germans will pay for the catering. Schnitzel for everyone! It’s perfect.

ARCHBISHOP COAKLEY: But the Holy Father says we must welcome them here, in the United States…

TRUMP: (Leaning forward) Tell him I’m “outsourcing” the compassion. We’re keeping the borders closed here for the safety of our people. Only legal immigrants—the high-quality ones, the ones who love the flag. The rest? They go to Peter’s Square. It’s got a great layout. Very spacious. They can hold a “Synod on Migration” right there on the cobblestones. Bishops are optional at synods anyway. The Germans pay, the Pope prays, and I keep the country safe. It’s a win-win-win.

ARCHBISHOP COAKLEY: (Sighing) I don’t think the Swiss Guard is prepared for this.

TRUMP: Get them some bigger spears, Bishop! Believe me, it’s going to be great.